Life in Discernment

I had hoped that I could just go back to normal, return to the person I was before the discernment process for ordination to the diaconate began. But that was not going to be the case. A new way of living and thinking and seeing the world had entered my being. And as hard as I have tried, there is just no returning to the way I was before. I  had heard God call to me. While in discernment, I saw the world in a new way. I became a different person and living was not just going through the motions of life for just myself. I was alive in a whole new way and a part of something much larger than myself.

 I didn't know what would happen in this process of discernment, but I was simply walking in trust. Life flowed from me into the world and it was good, really good. A sense of joy overtook my very being and tears often streamed from my eyes as the life inside of me connected to the world that felt as if it had been there from the beginning of time. I felt home, truly home. I felt love, real love. And I knew joy like none other I had ever experienced. Why? What was different about this time that I had never experienced before in my past 39 years of living on the earth? I had trusted God my whole life with different kinds of faith walks, but this walk was different for some reason. All told, I was living by pure blind faith and allowing God to work in and through me without trying to place any effort of control on the situation. I simply said "yes" send me God, I am yours and I will trust you. And so I did. Was it difficult? Absolutely. Was I scared? You betcha! But what flowed through me as I breathed in and breathed out trust was the life force of God. 

My process ended to a different outcome than I anticipated. I felt that I was making the correct decision to not proceed any further. Afterwards,  I began to deconstruct  all the parts to try to determine where it had all begun to take a different spin. Did the outcome that transpired come about because I didn't trust God? Did my ego some how get in the way and I projected myself into something that really wasn't there? Doubt ensued, and my ability to hear God's voice began to fade. I started to feel fear creep in, and I had to find the place in which I knew I could be myself, the place where I was first called. I returned to everything I ever loved and knew I was good at; teaching, photography, sewing, decorating. "I am a teacher!" I declared. "I am an artist, a writer, a person who loves all things colorful!" I threw myself into my passions knowing that I would find solace in a world that was mine for the taking only a few years before the discernment process began. I purchased a new colorful planner and began taking it everywhere I went as if to say to the world, "I've got this! I am in control!" And in theory I was, but in reality I'm not.

 Yesterday, after a couple of months of avoiding God, I walked into my backyard and heard him say, "I've missed you my child, come and sit with me for a while." As tears streamed down my face, I knew I had replaced my relationship with God for a greater sense of control over my life. I was angry at the discernment process I had been through, saddened and hurt. I wanted to feel that I had control over my life again and subconsciously took all the necessary steps to get back to where I was before the discernment process began. In reality, I knew all the while that I could never go back. I was different. I was changed. I knew what it felt like to walk with God and to simply allow myself to be his instrument for good in the world.

My process was not a failure, but rather a first step at truly trusting God with my whole life. I don't know what will come next. But what I do know is that if I take God's hand and place my trust in him, I will receive the life that he intended for me to live. The truth of the matter is that we are always in discernment whether it is to the ordained life or to live into a different vocation in which we are using our gifts and talents to serve God. It is the process of listening and trusting in God that allows room for our self to change and to see the world as God sees it. I know now I can never go back to where I once was and that's OK. I will continue to grow and change as God opens my eyes to seeing the world through his sight, not my own.