Advent Reflections

I was sitting this evening by our family Christmas tree after putting my girls to sleep. It is a time I enjoy each evening of intentional thought and prayer on Advent. This has been a particularly revealing Advent for me in many ways, and it is of course not yet over. As we are nearing the final week in Advent, my thoughts have centered on the question of why is it, that it is so hard? . . . so hard to be intentional in thought and prayer, so hard to be focused on the true meaning of Christmas, so hard to actually allow God to do the work and not do it all myself.

 

It occurred to me tonight, after much reflection, a thought that has settled into my head on occasion before; it is not about me,  or us, or any one person in particular. It is, however, about the body of Christ. We are all living members of that one body. We work so hard at getting it "right," finding ourselves merely scratching at the surface of what that true "right" is. And really, how is it that the right-before-our-very-eyes "right" is overlooked? I thought that I had it all figured out. I would get it all done, the shopping, the decorating, the planning, and I would then have time to truly enjoy the Advent season. I fell back into an old habit of wanting to have control over every. last. detail. of my own life. It was all done and I was ready . . . ready for my enlightening, for my peace, for my true happiness. However, I forgot one thing; Emmanuel, God with us, Jesus, our Messiah. How could I have forgotten? I had it all planned, but sadly, there was no room in the inn of my heart for the one true gift that I was waiting for. And here in this tearful realization was/is that gift that I have been waiting for. I am not in control, God is. I think that perhaps all those who have a spiritual relationship with God and who are in a constant state of Christian formation realize at some point that serving God's needs and their own needs has to be reconciled. One has to let the desire to serve self die in order to allow the true self to live. What I have only just begun to understand is that true self is God, living and breathing in each of us and the one true light that shines brightly in the wilderness of our souls. God, living and breathing inside of each of us is the Emmanuel born to us in that manger so long ago, and the one who will come again.

This intentionality in prayer and thought over what gifts God does bestow on us at Advent is one I have not practiced in the past; however, it is a practice I truly have felt has rendered me stripped of personal knowledge of what I thought I knew would come. I have found myself in a quandary of paradoxical feelings of uncertainty, yet certainness; unrest, yet peace. I do not yet know what more I will glean from this time in Advent. What I do know for certain is that only God has the answers in store for me and for all of us.