Friday, May 9, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Hard Truths in Parenting
Some nights I go to bed and I feel like the biggest failure as a parent. I fail to be kind, to be patient, to not insist on my own way, to not be irritable or resentful. I fail to bear all things, to believe in the good in all things, to hope and endure all things. Simply put, I fail in loving my children as a parent. Knowing this hurts my soul and breaks my heart in two, and I pray each night for forgiveness from God. Sometimes before my girls go to bed, I even ask them for forgiveness, but sometimes I don't seek their forgiveness in my failures in loving them and the pain feels even more heart wrenching. I know that I am not alone in my feelings of being a failure to one's own child. I say this not in accusation of other parents but rather in knowing that this is a collective struggle that parents from the beginning of time have endured in raising children. What gives me hope in facing this feeling of perpetual failure is that I seek God for answers and strength to die to self daily and to build the relationships that he wants me to have with my children as their mother, not the one that I want to have with them. Giving in to the realization that my relationship with my girls is not perfect as well as allowing myself to be more reliant on God's grace rather than my own personal abilities gives me the strength and peace of mind to allow myself to be forgiven and to humbly move forward in this calling of being a mother.
In recent months I have had a particularly hard time with my nine year old daughter. She is beginning to exert her need to be independent as well as to display what I have deemed a truly terrible bad attitude toward just about every last thing she is asked to do. In her mind, her life is the "worst" of all of her friends. No one else in her class has to ride in a booster seat, no one else has to brush their teeth or take medicine that is such an "icky" flavor. No one else has to put their clothes in the hamper or flush the toilette. I certainly am the worst mother out there for making her do any of these afore mentioned things. She has also become quite the expert at everything expressing her opinion on all subjects with great authority. Yes, this is all normal, I realize that. In my teaching career, teaching 9 year olds was my least favorite age of kids to teach for this very reason. And now I am living with one and I feel at times I may not survive until the next stage which parents with older children have shared only gets more intense! It makes me not only feel like a failure to not be able to tolerate this stage but also very sad that my little girl is now more unhappy than not when life used to be a bowl full of cherries in her world.
So I look for the moments when she is happy and I try and focus on those things that make her smile. I look at the person she is becoming and marvel at the wonderful and intelligent child that she is. I soak up her sweet smile and never tire of looking at her beautiful long eyelashes and her twinkling soulful brown eyes. I give thanks for her compassionate heart to save even an unnoticed snail from an untimely demise. I rejoice that she has so many friends that she cares deeply about and I cherish the times when she takes my hand, and whispers, "Mommy, I love you!" On the days that our moments together seem more like failures than not, I am reminded by God of all of these blessings that also make up our relationship and I give thanks for the gift of being her mother and another day to begin again.
In recent months I have had a particularly hard time with my nine year old daughter. She is beginning to exert her need to be independent as well as to display what I have deemed a truly terrible bad attitude toward just about every last thing she is asked to do. In her mind, her life is the "worst" of all of her friends. No one else in her class has to ride in a booster seat, no one else has to brush their teeth or take medicine that is such an "icky" flavor. No one else has to put their clothes in the hamper or flush the toilette. I certainly am the worst mother out there for making her do any of these afore mentioned things. She has also become quite the expert at everything expressing her opinion on all subjects with great authority. Yes, this is all normal, I realize that. In my teaching career, teaching 9 year olds was my least favorite age of kids to teach for this very reason. And now I am living with one and I feel at times I may not survive until the next stage which parents with older children have shared only gets more intense! It makes me not only feel like a failure to not be able to tolerate this stage but also very sad that my little girl is now more unhappy than not when life used to be a bowl full of cherries in her world.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Easter 2014
We celebrated Easter yesterday as a family and with friends and enjoyed the beauty of a warm sunshiny day here in East Tennessee. Our Easter Day celebrations included church service on Saturday and Sunday as well as egg hunts in our neighborhood, at church and at home. My heart is full with the hope and joy that is Easter. On this post I share our photos as I collect my thoughts on the joy and hope that it means to live as an Easter people. We wish all a blessed Easter season as Easter is not just a day but lasts on not only through the days of ahead but also in our hearts.
I was so proud of my big little girl for reading the Gospel at our church's Children's Easter service!
Sophie and Ella served as greeters for the Children's Easter service on Saturday.
The children were amazed at the amount of eggs to hunt at our church's egg hunt on Saturday. There were over 3000 eggs to be found!
After the hunt, all sat and enjoyed their confections.
The girls also enjoyed hunting Easter eggs in our neighborhood with friends. I am so happy they have so many opportunities to build memories and fellowship with friends!
Our Forest Brook Easter egg hunters!
These sweet girls posed for a photo with their friend the Easter Bunny aka another sweet fiend of theirs! Love how they support one another!
Emma-Caroline sang in the Hallelujah Chorus on Easter Sunday which was amazing!
Happy Easter to all!
Our annual Easter family photo!
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The Need for Compassion
My recent trip to Italy was a blessing for many reasons. Aside from being amidst some of the most amazing architecture, art, food and culture in the world, I also had the opportunity to reflect and contemplate my place and purpose here in the world. One of the things that struck me the most on my travels was multiple encounters with the Italian beggar. Most of these beggars stand outside of churches quietly asking the passerby for alms. Many are lame or deformed as was one woman who had no nose and another who had a very severe facial birthmark and yet another who had no use of her legs and scooted around on a makeshift dolly. None were obtrusive, just simply asking for compassion from those passing by. Most people including Howie and me often simply walked past them into the grandeur of the churches we were seeking to visit. Occasionally someone would stop and place a coin in the plastic cup held by the appreciative hand there to receive it. On some occasions, I too placed a coin in these cups. The lady who had no nose inspired great compassion in me, not because of her deformity, but simply because I felt she saw herself as undesirable. I wanted to give her that coin so that I could look at her in the eyes to let her know that I did see her and that she was beautiful as God's own child. Another person of whom I wanted to eagerly give a coin and to look into her eyes with love was an older woman standing outside of a church who looked to me like the Tomie DePaola character Strega Nona. I wondered about her, where her family was, why she needed to beg for alms.
Since returning from Italy, I have continued to think about the Italian beggars and why they made such an impression on me. Just as important I have thought about why it is that the beggars I encounter here in the United States have become almost invisible to me. When I lived in Austin, Texas, I use to have great compassion for those who were on the streets. I would give a dollar or two to anyone whom I encountered on the side of the road. I bought the Austin Advocate newspaper from those who sold it at the stoplights. I hurt for those who were less fortunate than me and I wanted so badly to help in any way that I could. I was told that I shouldn't help by giving money to those beggars, that they only spend it on alcohol or drugs. I didn't want to believe, but soon I stopped giving, and turned my head upon passing by those who held signs. Why did I lose my ability to have compassion for these people? After returning to Knoxville, the amount of homeless people that I encountered decreased significantly. It has only been in recent years that I have had the opportunity to witness actual street homelessness in downtown Knoxville as it has been revitalized and I have the desire to frequent it more often. I have also had the opportunity to encounter homelessness within my own church walls with opportunities to serve homeless families through Family Promise. With each opportunity to be in the presence of those in need, I feel the walls I had built up crumble a little more as well as a renewed feeling of compassion and desire to help.
This week at the start of Holy Week, my thoughts on compassion have turned not only to those who are homeless but also towards those whom I encounter every day; my family, my friends, my coworkers, they lady at the local store. How is it that I show compassion to everyone that I encounter? In my thoughts I could not help but think of the sixth station of the cross when Veronica steps out of the crowd and with compassion in her heart wipes the face of Christ with her veil. What a simple act, but what an amazing act of love and courage! In my everyday encounters with each person I meet, I want to step beyond the border of the crowd and reach out in love and courage to offer a simple act of real compassion when and every time it is needed. The risk is to take on the pain of another, but what I have found is that my heart grows bigger with love and I truly feel alive with God's Spirit. Simply put, we are all in need of compassion. May we all have the courage to act in compassion for another as well as receive it's gift when we need it.
Matthew 25: 37-40
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Since returning from Italy, I have continued to think about the Italian beggars and why they made such an impression on me. Just as important I have thought about why it is that the beggars I encounter here in the United States have become almost invisible to me. When I lived in Austin, Texas, I use to have great compassion for those who were on the streets. I would give a dollar or two to anyone whom I encountered on the side of the road. I bought the Austin Advocate newspaper from those who sold it at the stoplights. I hurt for those who were less fortunate than me and I wanted so badly to help in any way that I could. I was told that I shouldn't help by giving money to those beggars, that they only spend it on alcohol or drugs. I didn't want to believe, but soon I stopped giving, and turned my head upon passing by those who held signs. Why did I lose my ability to have compassion for these people? After returning to Knoxville, the amount of homeless people that I encountered decreased significantly. It has only been in recent years that I have had the opportunity to witness actual street homelessness in downtown Knoxville as it has been revitalized and I have the desire to frequent it more often. I have also had the opportunity to encounter homelessness within my own church walls with opportunities to serve homeless families through Family Promise. With each opportunity to be in the presence of those in need, I feel the walls I had built up crumble a little more as well as a renewed feeling of compassion and desire to help.
This week at the start of Holy Week, my thoughts on compassion have turned not only to those who are homeless but also towards those whom I encounter every day; my family, my friends, my coworkers, they lady at the local store. How is it that I show compassion to everyone that I encounter? In my thoughts I could not help but think of the sixth station of the cross when Veronica steps out of the crowd and with compassion in her heart wipes the face of Christ with her veil. What a simple act, but what an amazing act of love and courage! In my everyday encounters with each person I meet, I want to step beyond the border of the crowd and reach out in love and courage to offer a simple act of real compassion when and every time it is needed. The risk is to take on the pain of another, but what I have found is that my heart grows bigger with love and I truly feel alive with God's Spirit. Simply put, we are all in need of compassion. May we all have the courage to act in compassion for another as well as receive it's gift when we need it.
Matthew 25: 37-40
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Be Still and Know . . .
This time, this season of Lent is difficult, not because we make it that way through the act of giving up something, but because if truly done with great intention, it allows time for real death. I am of course not referring to physical death, but rather death to self as we relinquish control, quiet the ego, calm the fears and trust in God. Simply put, doing all of those things with intention is hard, very hard! So why? Why do we intentionally take time to allow ourselves to die to self. Wouldn't it just be easier to practice living a good life? We know that it is not good works and a good life alone that lead us into an authentic relationship with God. It is, however, those things coupled with the space in which we have let go of our own desire to be in control and the time that we allow ourselves to fall in which we find ourselves being carried upward by God's amazing grace. And the kicker as well as the blessing is that we have to do this over and over and over again not only during the season of Lent but for always. Fortunately for us humans we do not all collectively receive a certificate after the season of Lent that says, "Excellence in Trusting God" that we place in a frame and hang on the wall and then move forward to the next big accomplishable task in life. If that were that case, none of us would truly have an authentic relationship with God. And on top of that, we would miss out on the greatest blessings God has in store for us as we continue dying to self. In the process of this lifelong, cyclical journey, we die a little more to self each time and we are resurrected into our new life through God's unending grace and mercy. As we intentionally look heavenward instead of inward we receive an authentic resurrected life in Christ which is the true gift and intention of time periods such as Lent.
In my recent travels through Italy, I was blessed to enter countless numbers of beautiful churches in the cities of Rome, Florence and Venice. Each church held it's own unique style and beauty in showcasing the glory of God through exquisite architecture, masterpiece sculptures and amazing paintings and mosaics. As I journeyed through these churches I was joined by other pilgrims who also were there to admire the hands that allowed God's glory to be shown through their own gifts and talents. In my visits to these amazing places of worship, I found myself longing for God, wanting him to come down from the tiled or frescoed ceilings and give me an audience with him all by myself. My "self" got in the way, however, and I was left feeling alone, saddened that I had not had a God moment within these magnificent structures erected to his glory.
One day in Florence after climbing the Duomo and having a wonderful lunch, Howie stopped for a moment to check the map and locate our destination. As I glanced around the street, I saw a sign indicating a church monastery right in front of me. The gates to the church court yard appeared open so I decided to venture in. I opened the heavy door and was awestruck at what I found. The church was silent except for the song of a cricket somewhere in the corner. I sat down in a pew and took in my surroundings. From a clear story window streamed three beams of light which cascaded down to illuminate a single altar bearing a monstrance holding the bread of life. Time slowed as I took in God's glory here in this place and heard him whisper, "Be still and know that I am God." In the stillness of this sanctuary, I experienced God's presence. He had been with me all along, but the unrest of my mind and inability to move my "self" out of the way, hindered me from being able to hear his voice. The loud silence of this church shook me out of my own preoccupations in order that I may receive the true gift of being filled with God's presence.
What I find in times such as my visit to the unknown Florence church as well as in my attempts to be intentional about dying to "self" is that it is always in the being still and just simply knowing that I truly encounter God. In seeking God's face, we must realize that he is first within us all along. We must let go of and die to our need to control when and where we find God and just be still and know. As simple as that task may seem, it proves to be one of the most difficult things that we humans are asked by God to do. "Be still and know that I am God." As we enter into Holy Week may we all find within ourselves the grace to allow God's presence to be revealed in the stillness of our souls and may we also experience the gift of resurrection along with Christ on Easter Day.
One day in Florence after climbing the Duomo and having a wonderful lunch, Howie stopped for a moment to check the map and locate our destination. As I glanced around the street, I saw a sign indicating a church monastery right in front of me. The gates to the church court yard appeared open so I decided to venture in. I opened the heavy door and was awestruck at what I found. The church was silent except for the song of a cricket somewhere in the corner. I sat down in a pew and took in my surroundings. From a clear story window streamed three beams of light which cascaded down to illuminate a single altar bearing a monstrance holding the bread of life. Time slowed as I took in God's glory here in this place and heard him whisper, "Be still and know that I am God." In the stillness of this sanctuary, I experienced God's presence. He had been with me all along, but the unrest of my mind and inability to move my "self" out of the way, hindered me from being able to hear his voice. The loud silence of this church shook me out of my own preoccupations in order that I may receive the true gift of being filled with God's presence.
What I find in times such as my visit to the unknown Florence church as well as in my attempts to be intentional about dying to "self" is that it is always in the being still and just simply knowing that I truly encounter God. In seeking God's face, we must realize that he is first within us all along. We must let go of and die to our need to control when and where we find God and just be still and know. As simple as that task may seem, it proves to be one of the most difficult things that we humans are asked by God to do. "Be still and know that I am God." As we enter into Holy Week may we all find within ourselves the grace to allow God's presence to be revealed in the stillness of our souls and may we also experience the gift of resurrection along with Christ on Easter Day.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Letting Go and Letting God
We have now entered into the season of Lent, a time to reflect, repent, reconcile, and intentionally renew our relationship with God. Although doing these things may and should be done each day of the year, the period of Lent calls special attention to our own sinful nature and our need for forgiveness and reconciliation with our Father. It is also a time of allowing our burdens to be taken so that we may truly allow ourselves to be transformed into the people that God has made us to be.
As I enter into this season of Lent, my heart is particularly heavy. I have just ended the discernment process to the diaconate and I am left with many questions as to where I feel God has called me. In my committee meetings I have been able to discern that the ministry I feel called to may not be to that of being a deacon in the church. Although this process has left me at times feeling very peaceful, I have also at other times felt unease and anxiety in now not knowing God's plan for my life. One week after ending the formal discernment process I have felt lost, truly lost. Where does this leave me now in my feeling of being called to something more in the way of ministry? What is my role, my ministry, my identity in this time of uncertainty? I feel lost and I long to be found.
So it is at this point that I enter into Lent, exhausted at my own futile attempts to see just exactly where God is now leading me and knowing in my heart that I am his beloved and that he has me in the palm of his hand. I fall, hands lifted, heart weary and aching and ask for forgiveness. I exhale slowly all of "self" and give over my desire to know how things are going to turn out. I collapse at his feet, broken and he scoops me up and covers me with a blanket of grace while he whispers gently, "I love you. . . you are just where I want you to be . . . close to me, right by my side." And so the process of transformation in my heart begins as I let go and let God.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Turning Nine is Awesome and Fine!
Our sweet Emma-Caroline turns nine years old today on March 3rd.
It has been such a wonderful joy to have Emma-Caroline as a daughter and to watch her as she has grown in to the little person that she is today. Emma-Caroline has always enjoyed puzzles and technology and figuring things out. She has an amazing and brilliant mind that is very much like my dad's in which they are able to analyze the parts and put something together within their mind and then transfer it perfectly into real life.
Emma-Caroline at age 1 would sleep with puzzles in her crib, at 2 she was showing me how to set up the DVD player and play my camera images on the television, at 5 she was reading on a 5th grade level and taught herself how to write in cursive.
She is a whiz at any electronic and she also recently taught herself how to knit. I know I sound like some kind of "Bettie-Bragerson" in talking about Emma-Caroline's abilities, but simply stated, I am always amazed at what she is able to do all on her own fruition.
She is a wonderful and sweet child and I feel so very blessed each day that God has given me as her mother.
We love you sweet Emma-Caroline and we hope your year as a nine year old brings as much joy, adventure and fun to you as you bring to our lives!
Monday, February 24, 2014
Living Character
Since Emma-Caroline and Sophie have been in elementary school, I have been very impressed with the pillars of character that the school teaches to it's students through the Character Counts program. It has always been important to me that the girls not only be taught about values and good character qualities at home, but also that they learn to practice those traits in the real world. Bearden Elementary allows its students to put the pillars of "Trustworthiness," "Respect," "Responsibility," "Fairness," "Caring," and "Citizenship" into practice each day in real life situations.
This semester, Emma-Caroline was awarded a Charter Counts certificate for exhibiting all six pillars of character. Ms. Murphy gave us a chuckle when she said that Emma-Caroline could run her classroom for her. Ms. Murphy's class also won a Character Counts award for exemplifying the pillars of character in art class.
We feel very blessed that both of our girls are able to learn about and practice values that we also teach in our home as well as learn about and practice at church. I feel it truly does take a village to raise a child in this world. We are blessed that the elementary school is a part of our "village"
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Treble Choral Performance
This past Sunday, Emma-Caroline participated in a children's choral performance with four other Knoxville churches children's choirs. I am always awe-stricken when I am blessed with being in the audience of a children's choral performance. The beauty of the children's voices singing is angelic and instantly brings tears to my eyes. That sense was heightened in this performance with the increased number of children singing in such a lovely church setting at Church Street United Methodist Church. It was a performance that was sent straight from heaven!
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