Christmas 2015

Our first christmas in Virginia was wonderful! My sister Kelly and brother-in-law Leif and their puppy, Wrigley joined us for Christmas Eve dinner and the next day for Christmas breakfast, gift opening and Christmas dinner. It was so wonderful to be able to spend Christmas with family.

Carried by Faith

Yesterday, as a family we decided to go into the Blue Ridge Mountains to see the beautiful fall foliage and to hike up to the Humpback Rocks where amazing overlook views are to be beholden. As we began the 1 mile hike straight up to the summit at 3,080 feet I was confident that I would make it. Not even half way into the hike, I knew I may not make it as my joints began to give more pain than I could stand and my lower back injury also began to make itself known. I was disappointed in my physical body and not wanting to give up I continued to press on. Soon, though, as my knees and hips felt as if they were going to dislocate, I knew I should not go further. Although I know that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and have some physical limitations, I felt defeated and betrayed by my own body.

 I have learned over the years, however, to not beat myself up for the things I may not be able to physically accomplish and to just listen to my body continuing to strengthen it and to try again. In reflecting on this experience this morning, it came to me that this is how we are to be in our spiritual lives too. At times we may feel extremely confident in our faith walks with God knowing that we have a sure footing on our path. But there are times too when we may feel shaken by any number of things that may render us to the point of knowing we can not go on through our own efforts alone. These times specially allow us to feel God's mercy as we are strengthened through his love when we turn to him for continued guidance on our faith walks. We thus are affirmed in our knowledge that God is always present in both high and low moments and everywhere in between. Our journeys are not meant to be walked alone. May you all have an ever evolving knowledge of God's presence with you in all moments of your faith journey.

Choosing God's Glory

This morning I watched our dog Macy eagerly tracking a pair of doves she had seen in our back yard. They had long since flown away to the safety of an upper branch, but that didn't detour Macy in her pursuit of sniffing them out and doing her best to find them. After awhile she came back in tired from her pursuits, but content. She had followed her instincts and was doing what she was born to do, what really, she loves to do.

Dogs and all of God's creatures instinctually follow what they are made to do in essence giving full glory to their Maker. As humans we too are each given gifts and talents, that when we use, ignite great contentment, joy, and love as we live into the persons God created us to be. But we have a choice of whether or not we will live into these gifts. May you live into your God given passions today and always and receive the gifts of peace, joy and love as you follow your own design.

The Path of Trust

Yesterday, I decided to travel a road that I had never been down before. It took me winding up into the mountains to a place where no cell or GPS navigation was available. At one point I thought, perhaps I should turn around, but something else compelled me forward. After getting on the other side of the mountain and being greeted by this sign in the photo below, I sat in my car for a moment thinking how my traverse down the unknown path is much like our faith walks with God.

Sometimes we walk down a well traveled path feeling very confident in our next step, and sometimes we traverse on a path in which we have to just continue to truly trust in order to make it to the other side. We can take comfort in knowing that unlike Siri who may not be available in remote areas, God is always there guiding each step we take with him on our faith journeys. And like my journey yesterday, you never know what new and interesting things you will see in your faith walk with God.

An Instrument of Love

Emma-Caroline found this little guy while we were out on the polo field on Sunday. She gently cared for it and brought it home to place in a shady spot in our garden. Her act was from a pure heart for God's creation and she was an instrument of his love as she cared for this tiny creature. In the same way, we all are instruments of God's love when our heart resides in love in whatever we do to shine God's light to another.

The smallest most seemingly insignificant act done to... serve another of God's creation through love is actually one of the most wondrous acts any one of us can allow to happen through our own very beings. And we are given countless opportunities to be God's instrument of love each day that we live. May you know that you are God's instrument of love to another and may you know that any act great or small done in love is a wonderful and glorious act of God.

Nativity Pageant 2014

Halloween 2014

Disney 2014

Life in Discernment

I had hoped that I could just go back to normal, return to the person I was before the discernment process for ordination to the diaconate began. But that was not going to be the case. A new way of living and thinking and seeing the world had entered my being. And as hard as I have tried, there is just no returning to the way I was before. I  had heard God call to me. While in discernment, I saw the world in a new way. I became a different person and living was not just going through the motions of life for just myself. I was alive in a whole new way and a part of something much larger than myself.

 I didn't know what would happen in this process of discernment, but I was simply walking in trust. Life flowed from me into the world and it was good, really good. A sense of joy overtook my very being and tears often streamed from my eyes as the life inside of me connected to the world that felt as if it had been there from the beginning of time. I felt home, truly home. I felt love, real love. And I knew joy like none other I had ever experienced. Why? What was different about this time that I had never experienced before in my past 39 years of living on the earth? I had trusted God my whole life with different kinds of faith walks, but this walk was different for some reason. All told, I was living by pure blind faith and allowing God to work in and through me without trying to place any effort of control on the situation. I simply said "yes" send me God, I am yours and I will trust you. And so I did. Was it difficult? Absolutely. Was I scared? You betcha! But what flowed through me as I breathed in and breathed out trust was the life force of God. 

My process ended to a different outcome than I anticipated. I felt that I was making the correct decision to not proceed any further. Afterwards,  I began to deconstruct  all the parts to try to determine where it had all begun to take a different spin. Did the outcome that transpired come about because I didn't trust God? Did my ego some how get in the way and I projected myself into something that really wasn't there? Doubt ensued, and my ability to hear God's voice began to fade. I started to feel fear creep in, and I had to find the place in which I knew I could be myself, the place where I was first called. I returned to everything I ever loved and knew I was good at; teaching, photography, sewing, decorating. "I am a teacher!" I declared. "I am an artist, a writer, a person who loves all things colorful!" I threw myself into my passions knowing that I would find solace in a world that was mine for the taking only a few years before the discernment process began. I purchased a new colorful planner and began taking it everywhere I went as if to say to the world, "I've got this! I am in control!" And in theory I was, but in reality I'm not.

 Yesterday, after a couple of months of avoiding God, I walked into my backyard and heard him say, "I've missed you my child, come and sit with me for a while." As tears streamed down my face, I knew I had replaced my relationship with God for a greater sense of control over my life. I was angry at the discernment process I had been through, saddened and hurt. I wanted to feel that I had control over my life again and subconsciously took all the necessary steps to get back to where I was before the discernment process began. In reality, I knew all the while that I could never go back. I was different. I was changed. I knew what it felt like to walk with God and to simply allow myself to be his instrument for good in the world.

My process was not a failure, but rather a first step at truly trusting God with my whole life. I don't know what will come next. But what I do know is that if I take God's hand and place my trust in him, I will receive the life that he intended for me to live. The truth of the matter is that we are always in discernment whether it is to the ordained life or to live into a different vocation in which we are using our gifts and talents to serve God. It is the process of listening and trusting in God that allows room for our self to change and to see the world as God sees it. I know now I can never go back to where I once was and that's OK. I will continue to grow and change as God opens my eyes to seeing the world through his sight, not my own.